The Space Between How Things Are And How We Want Them To Be

A lecturer walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

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She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”


This post is the third in a series that offers teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meeting but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

black-and-white-draw-drawing-expectation-Favim.com-1617878Stress can be defined as the space between our expectations and our reality. Our instinct when we see this space is to try make it go away. Somehow fill in the space with overwork, micromanagement or distraction. It may be that we already feel the walls closing in around us or that there is a gaping chasm between us and feeling free. But in reality, this space is small. It is a space of hyper focus and hyper vigilance. Either/or thinking, doubt, judgment, insecurity, anxiety and worry. We have a great opportunity to nourish this unpleasant place by stopping, experiencing and allowing.

The first step is to notice. To check in with yourself as you become quiet. What is here in this moment and can I be with it? What is really here? You might try the following practice to arrive at this state:

The space between how things are and how we want them to me gets filled in with messages of doubt and self-criticism. Things like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a bad parent/partner/child.” This wanting things to be different is a natural result of our mis(perceptions), expectations, preferences, perspectives, standards and assumptions. When we get stuck in this space, we can create disconnection from ourselves and others.

Christopher Germer, the author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion writes,

“when bad things happen to us, we tend to have three unfortunate reactions: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption. Why do we react like this? I look at it this way, the instinctive response to danger – the stress response – consists of fight, flight or freeze. These three strategies help us survive physically, but when they are applied to our mental and emotional functioning, we get into trouble. When there’s no enemy to defend against, we turn on ourselves. “Fight” becomes self-criticism, “flight” becomes self-isolation, and “freeze” becomes self-absorption, getting locked into our own thoughts.”

stress-750x517.jpgThere are several conclusions to be drawn from this passage. First, our habitual reactions are normal. Humans have evolved to escape physical threats. It wasn’t until the last several hundred years that our ability to tame and eliminate most physical threats made the stress response less adaptive. Second, by recognizing that we are in this mode, we give ourselves a choice to respond thoughtfully instead of react out of habit. When we pay attention to our stress and the habits, patterns and triggers that make up our responses, we open a space for a choice based on awareness. Most of our modern threats are emotional and psychological so this space is important.

Germer’s colleague, Kristin Neff writes, “We give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.” This shift from cure to care allows our natural gentleness and compassion to emerge slowly. Self-compassion consists of three elements as described by Neff in the video below:

  • Self-Kindness – Providing yourself with the compassion and self-soothing you deserve
  • Common Humanity – The understanding that you are not alone in your suffering, that it is part of the human experience
  • Mindfulness – An awareness of what is actually happening in your lived experience.

It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.” – Jo Coudert

We closed our evening with a self-compassion meditation based on Neff’s work that brings the three elements of self-compassion into focus. As we imagined a difficulty or challenge in our life, we offered the following wishes:

  • I am (struggling, suffering, stressed) right now and that is ok.
  • We all (struggle, suffer, feel stress).
  • May I be kind to myself. May I offer myself the compassion that I need.

Try it for yourself below and check out our upcoming events including Mindful Dads Meeting and our April co-ed full-day retreat.


Marc and I are passionate about self-compassion and its promise of self-care and kindness that then extends to all around you. Below is the most downloaded episode of our podcast followed by additional articles that you mind enjoy.


The Art of Self-Compassion Part 1: A Personal Reflection

The Art of Self-Compassion Part 2: Meeting The Critic

Secure Your Own Mask First

Coming Back To Ourselves

“I think we learn the most from imperfect relationships, things like forgiveness and compassion.”  -Andrea Thompson


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All relationships are imperfect, including the relationships we have with ourselves. Can we cut ourselves some slack? Give ourselves a break? Or at times, get out of our own way to enjoy the moment, allow ourselves to be open to the moment, let our guard down, resist a little less, not hold on so tight or fight so much.  Can we pause, release the grip, and breathe, so we can see what is right in front of us? Can we forgive ourselves and accept our imperfections and can we be a little kinder and nicer to ourselves?  This is our shared experience as human beings.  The struggle, the pain, the suffering, the joy, the happiness, the forgiveness, and the compassion and kindness. We experience it all and we deserve to be ourselves and the only thing we have to be is who we already are.

Compassion and Forgiveness are critical qualities to cultivate on a path to mindfulness. We have shared our favorite writings and audio below. Stay tuned for more including self-compassion in the coming days.

Accepting My Need To Be A Perfect Parent Fierce Self-Compassion: Meeting The Critic Talk and Guided Practice
The Most Important Job Forgiveness Guided Practice

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We have a great lineup of offerings coming in early 2018. They include:

Mindful Dads Meeting – Every 2nd Wednesday inc. 1/10
Men Sitting By A Fire – Various Mondays inc. 1/22
Mindful Tools For Stress Management for Men
5 weeks beginning February 21
Full Day Mindfulness Retreat – 4/8

How To Ask A Beautiful Question

question heartFor me, the guiding question “Does it have heart?” is most resonant of the beautiful questions. I can’t remember the last time my to-do list had fewer than 15 things I just needed to do ASAP. They won’t all get done. There are different ways to prioritize them: easiest to hardest, smallest to biggest, etc. But the method that most enlivens me is asking “Does it have heart?” to guide my next act. I must admit, this occasionally leads to sticky situations including unanswered emails or too much dirty laundry. But when the question reminds me to put away the cell phone and connect more deeply with my family, it serves me well.

David Whyte writes (lightly paraphrased), “if we are able to construct a question that is beautiful, it will stay with us for the rest of our lives.” Deep and open-ended questions lead us to connect with that which gives us meaning and purpose. Whyte has compiled a list of 10 Questions That Have No Right To Go Away. They include:

What can I be wholehearted about? Am I harvesting this year’s season of my life? Can I be quiet, even inside? Am I too inflexible in my relationship to time? How can I drink from the deep well of things as they are? Can I live a courageous life?


20171202_120322On December 2, Your Mindful Coach, in cooperation with Center for Self-Care, hosted Asking The Beautiful Questions: A Mindfulness Workshop. The retreat was inspired by the work of Jonathan Foust and other teachers.

The questions we ask harness “the one who knows“, that unconditioned self that is absolute inside of each of us. Foust describes the dance of intuition  between “who you are, fully human, full of doubts and fears and anxiety and pettiness and need to control; and who you are free of anxiety, who you are free of fear.”

To find this place, we can begin with empowering questions. Questions that shift our mindset and open us to possibility. We began with the four questions as described by Foust:

  • What do you love about this life?
  • What gives you energy?
  • What about this life enlivens you?
  • What would happen if you did more of that?

Another approach is to engage with our lived experience. Noticing and allowing what is arising and passing. One way to practice is with this guided meditation from Josh:

Asking open-ended questions can support us in clarifying our next steps. Accessing our passions, our motivations and our heart. Tim Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Workweek, offers a strategy based on questions for accomplishing what we want to do. Too often, we set goals without clear plans for achieving them. We get blocked by obstacles or procrastinate. Ferriss turns the goal setting process on its head by offering Fear Setting.

Here are Tim’s questions when faced with a problem, issue, situation or upcoming decision:

Define → What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Prevent → What could you do to prevent this from happening?
Repair → What could you do to correct it if and when it happens?

What might the benefits of an attempt or a partial success be?

If I avoid this action or decision & decisions like it, what will my life look like in 6, 12, 36 months?

The point is not to masterfully and fully answer these questions but instead to see what arises. When I last undertook this exercise, I used an example of a business opportunity I’m pursuing. Asking “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” elicited the response, “It might not work” and “I could be embarrassed“. As I felt into those worst cases, I felt a softening and a loosening because those weren’t actually all that bad when I investigated them. I did, however, consider the “repair” question to better plan for an adverse outcome and how I would respond.

In the talk below, Foust describes the non-dual, non-conceptual mindstates that become accessible to us as we come to presence and ask these beautiful questions. We move out of our “doing” and spend more time “being.” For many of us, the tasks of our work require judging, analyzing, comparing, debating. But that isn’t always the best way to discover peace and equanimity.

I have found questions to be helpful in the heat of the moment as well. When I am under stress and feel like shouting, screaming, arguing or even running away, I use the following questions to reset, pause and approach with a thoughtful response:

What am I doing?
Is it right?
What will I do next?

There are countless questions that open our mind. What resonates for you? What will you do next?

 

 

Asking the Beautiful Questions

As a teacher, I have two options. I can try to teach the answer or I can try to teach the question. All too often, the “answer” is burdened by my own judgment, opinion, beliefs and experience. Teaching the answer can be limiting because everyone’s experience is different. But when I teach the question, infinite possibilities are unleashed. We open to imagination and creativity.

Poet and author David Whyte writes, “What would it be like to see teaching as the ability to cultivate the imagination? To [help students] create the biggest context they can for whatever they are being taught. . . if we are able to construct a question that is beautiful, it will stay with them for the rest of their life.” Deep and open-ended questions lead us to connect with that which gives us meaning and purpose. Whyte has compiled a list of 10 Questions That Have No Right To Go Away. They include:

What can I be wholehearted about? Am I harvesting this year’s season of my life? Can I be quiet, even inside? Am I too inflexible in my relationship to time? How can I drink from the deep well of things as they are? Can I live a courageous life?

These questions don’t demand answers but instead reflection. And lived experience. The practice of mindfulness invites us to welcome these questions and explore. I invite you to try some of these questions on for size at our workshop, Asking The Beautiful Questions, this Saturday, December 2. Register today or read below for more details.

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We all know that questions can be empowering or restricting depending on how they are framed. My teacher Jonathan Foust offers four empowering questions:

excited

What are you most excited about in your life right now?

What are you most proud of in your life right now?

What are you most grateful for in your life right now?

What are you most committed to in your life right now?

Notice how these questions challenge you to shift out of the mindset of problem-solving, thinking, comparing and judging that characterizes most of our everyday experience. We might find responding to such questions difficult because they remind us of what’s not quite right yet. But it also opens the possibility for growth, meaning and understanding. In practice, one needn’t search for the answers but instead allow them to arise. Some of the responses may be strange and unexpected but also illuminating.

A perfect example of how empowering questions open our minds and hearts comes from StoryCorps, whose mission is “to preserve and share humanity’s stories in order to build connections between people and create a more just and compassionate world.” You may have heard these stories on National Public Radio. Check out this list of wonderful questions for just about any situation that are sure to get right to the heart of the matter.


Here are just a few of the qualities that inquiry and questions can generate:reframe-nlp-frame

  • Reframing – Questions allow us look at our experience from a different angle. Approaching an issue with a different kind of question shifts our perception and our attitude.
  • Softening – They can bring a compassion, an appreciation and even a forgiveness for difficulty, confusion and uncertainty we face.
  • Opening – How many ways could I describe the situation? What are the new ways?
  • Clarifying – What is really happening right now? Can I be with it? What is important to me? What will I do next?
  • Identifying habit patterns that aren’t supportive of wholehearted living, happiness and resilience. We begin to recognize our reactivity and how it may harm us.
  • Connection with our passion, our values, and our heart to create purpose and meaning.

At its heart, the practice of mindfulness asks two questions, “What is happening?” and “Can I be with it?” These two questions represent the two wings of the metaphorical bird. Wisdom to see clearly with awareness and compassion to non-judgmentally be with our experience. In a sense, these are the questions that characterize the experience of mindfulness. As we practice mindfulness, we step out of the story we’ve created in our minds and into the genuine experience of being alive, with its joy, its sorrow, its uncertainty, its faith.


I welcome you to explore questions further by listening to Inquiry as Mindfulness Practice, via iTunes or Stitcher. This episode includes a meditative inquiry practice called The Five Problem Solving Questions which I think you’ll enjoy experimenting with.

If you live in the Philadelphia area, please join me on Saturday, December 2 for Asking The Beautiful Questions from 10am-12pm at the Tredyffrin Public Library in Strafford, PA.  You can learn more by visiting www.center4selfcare.com or  www.yourmindfulcoach.com. You also might enjoy a visit to jonathanfoust.com or focusing.com to learn more about the tools of meditative inquiry.


Sometimes by David Whyte

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David Whyte

Sometimes
if you move carefully
through the forest

breathing
like the ones
in the old stories

who could cross
a shimmering bed of dry leaves
without a sound, 

you come
to a place
whose only task

is to trouble you
with tiny
but frightening requests

conceived out of nowhere
but in this place
beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what
you are doing right now,
and

to stop what you
are becoming
while you do it,

questions
that can make
or unmake
a life,

questions
that have patiently
waited for you,

questions
that have no right
to go away.

Portions of this post were originally published on the Your Mindful Coach Blog in December 2016.

The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues but the parent of all others.” – Cicero

The dictionary defines gratitude as “the quality of being thankful; a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” There are two key components to gratitude. First, gratitude involves an affirmation of goodness. Second, gratitude involves a recognition of its source. As we pause to notice the goodness and generosity around us, we become aware of the people & resources, causes & conditions, that lead us to this feeling state. Gratitude reminds us of our connection and interdependence.

My friend and noted gratitude communication researcher Ross Brinkert observes, “Gratitude is not only good for the receiver, its also good for the sender. You can transform your own feelings by sending gratitude to somebody else.” One of the many powers of gratitude is its ability to incline the mind. This concept of inclining the mind abounds in the study of mindfulness and meditation. It rehabituates the mind away from the constant judging, comparing and evaluating that characterizes our usual experience. This inclining process is a reframing of our experience, a “gladening” or even a softening of the mind. This inclination allows us to find the sacred in our ordinary, everyday experience.


And don’t miss our monthly Mindful Dads Meeting, on the second Wednesday each month including Wednesday, December 13.


Why practice gratitude?

Robert Emmons identifies physical effects such as stronger immune systems, improved self-care and even better sleep as benefits of consistent gratitude practice. Psychologically and socially, those that practice gratitude are more likely to experience positive emotions, feel happier & more optimistic and feel less lonely and isolated. Grateful people exercise more self-control and are better at delaying gratification. This reminds me of mindfulness. Through returning our attention to our focus or anchor, in mindfulness our breath, our body, our senses, we are able to respond thoughtfully instead of react habitually. In this way, we turn a habit into a choice. It seems using gratitude as our “anchor” can serve much the same purpose.line.png

With gratitude, what we are not doing is nearly as important as what we are doing. Its hard to multitask while practicing gratitude. We are unlikely to be checking our cell phone or mindlessly eating a hamburger. When we practice gratitude, we aren’t engaged in jealousy, greed, grasping or comparison. We are creating a space in our experience. As we leave the realm of judgment, comparison and criticism, our natural wisdom and compassion emerge.

How does one practice gratitude?

For gratitude practice to have a lasting effect, it must be intentional and consistent. Gratitude must be a way of relating to the world and not just an afterthought.

One of the best ways to cultivate gratitude is to write it down. The intentionality of actually putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) allows you to be more reflective compared with just “thinking” about gratitude. In the video below, SoulPancake performs an experiment where people were asked to write about someone who had a positive impact on their life. Writing and then sharing what they’d written to that person had a powerful effect on the happiness of the gratitude giver.

 

charlie.pngWould you like to give it a try? How about the “Three Good Things” practice? This is essentially a gratitude journal. Each day, you recall 3 things that went well for you recently, positive experiences, interactions or observations. Take the time to describe each of these good things. Note how you felt then and how you feel now upon reflection. Conclude by explaining what you think caused this event to happen? Was it your preparation, the generosity of another, the gifts of the earth? Click here to try it out yourself. I’ll collect the responses and share them in an upcoming blog or podcast.

You can practice gratitude is by expressing it through a gratitude letter to an important person in your life or just give them a call. Brinkert recommends communicating gratitude with an element of surprise. Much like “random acts of kindness”, “random acts of gratitude” help your expression stand out. He writes, “Expressions that come unexpectedly actually have a lot more weight than things that are expected. It’s really important to make the opportunity to thoughtfully surprise people because that really stands out for them.”

Finally, because gratitude is for you as well, simple mindfulness & meditation practices support the concept of inclining the mind. Meditations on gratitude and joy help you set an intention toward gratitude and remind you of the gifts you have given and received.

Wishing you the best in your own practice of gratitude! If you’d like support in your practice, visit www.center4selfcare.com today.

Listen Deeply

In Becoming Aware, Josh shared a quote from Ram Dass, “The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” As we practice mindfully, we move toward stillness, spaciousness and silence. It is here that we can listen fully. Listening deeply to the small, soft voice of our heart, we become aware of our deepest intentions. We listen to those we love and give ourselves room to choose a response with compassion and care.

This post is the second in a series that offers teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meetings each month but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

As we build community, we keep these guideposts and qualities in mind:

  • Experiencing New Possibilities (Community)
  • Discovering Embodiment (Back to the body)
  • Cultivating Observation (Noticing/Aware of Inner Experience)
  • Moving Toward Acceptance (Non-Judgment/We each have our own experience)
  • Growing Compassion (Care)

Our evening began with a practice intended to bring our awareness to the present moment, the only moment that is truly available to us. In this practice, we begin by observing our breath. The breath serves as an anchor when we are distracted by a thought, an emotion or bodily sensation. Each time, returning to the sensation of our body expanding and contracting with each breath. We then move our awareness to the sensation of stillness in our body. First in our hands and allowing our awareness of this stillness to expand to include our arms, our legs and even our feet.

 

Allow by Danna Faulds

There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado.  Dam a
stream and it will create a new
channel.  Resist, and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground.  The only
safety lies in letting it all in –
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes.


MindfulDadsNov17Photo.jpgPractice with us

Looking to learn and practice? Join us on the morning of Saturday, December 2nd for Big Questions for Mindful Living: A Half-Day Retreat for Men. Or drop-in for Mindful Men Meeting, the 2nd Wednesday of every month.


weight-lifting-brain.jpgMindfulness meditation literally trains our muscle of attention. Just as we go to the gym to strengthen our body, when we sit in meditation, we grow mentally stronger. Returning our attention over and over again to the anchor of our practice (breath, body, stillness, silence, etc). For me, the first months of mindfulness practice found me less reactive. When I had an urge or an impulse to argue, confront or withdraw, I could observe this with a kind heart, pause, and choose my response. Researchers in the field of neuroplasticity are discovering how one can build new neural connections that integrate our emotional brain or limbic system with our cortical, thinking brain. They even see it in brain scans that suggests the grey matter of our brain grows with intentional practice. This integration allows the prefrontal cortex, the higher level, rational, moral part of our brain to soothe an emotional system caught in fear, uncertainty or anger.

Our reactivity and negativity biases are no accident. We needed this system thousands of years ago when our greatest threats were physical. The human environment contained predators like tigers who weren’t up for debating the merits of eating us. So we needed a way to react immediately to stimulus so that we didn’t end up as lunch. Our “Fight or Flight” or parasympathetic nervous system, is engineered to divert resources away from our internal organs and our brain to our legs so that we can run. The amygdala triggers the release of cortisol and adrenaline, priming the body for action. Which is great when you are being chased. But this system responds to our daily emotional and psychological threats in the same way – increasing our heart, breathing and perspiration rate, and turning off our digestive and immune system. No wonder our culture is riddled with irritable bowel syndrome and chronic colds!

There is just one thing that we can truly control in our fight or flight response, our breath! Taking a deep breath sends a signal to our body that we have time, we don’t need to react quickly out of habit. As we slow the breath, our sympathetic nervous system comes back online, bringing us to a state of “Rest and Digest“. It is in this state that the integration of our body gives us access to our faculties and control of our situation. We become aware of our emotions, thoughts and bodily sensations without judging them.schraf-awarenesstrangle

But in order to return to Rest and Digest, we must know that we are in a state of Fight or Flight. This first step, noticing or listening is paired with an allowing, an offering of compassion for whatever is happening right now. The cycle of our reactive habits is broken when we pair the wisdom of noticing with the compassion of allowing. We ask ourselves, “What is happening right now?” and “Can I be with it?” Marc shared the practice “I am aware . . . ” which group participants tried in pairs and reflected on in writing.

As we closed, one participant concluded that for him, now is the time for “less advice and more self-compassion.” It is a time for listening and seeing what arises. When we stop and return to the present moment, we give ourselves a chance. Not seeking perfection, but seeking progress. You might try the longer meditation below to cultivate a deep listening.

 

Excerpted from The Journey, by Mary Oliver

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

We’d love to hear from you! Please comment below to share your own insights or email us at connect@center4selfcare.com. We encourage you to join us for our monthly Mindful Dads Meeting on the 2nd Wednesday of each month at the Woodlynde School from 8 to 10pm. Click here for details, including our December 13 meeting.

 

 

Accepting My Need to Be A Perfect Parent

Our thoughts and images of what an ideal parent should be can get in the way of just being the best we can be in any given moment.

There’s a common misperception that practicing mindfulness imposes another idealized picture of what our lives as parents or lovers or close friends or leaders at work should be: Always calm, always in control, and always knowing what to do, like a stereotype from an old TV show. We can’t help but fall short of this idealized vision. Recognizing that view itself is something to notice, and then we can practice setting it aside.

Our relationships, our career, the way our kids turn out—these rarely match the pictures in our minds.

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Mark Bertin, MD

This is an excerpt from “Let Go of Being the Ideal Role Model,” by Mark Bertin from the July 21, 2016 issue of Mindful Magazine. Reading this couldn’t have come at a better time.  It connected with how I had been feeling and thinking about myself as a parent.

My friend Patti once said to me, “You are only as happy as your most unhappy child.” What an important reminder that parenting is difficult, exhausting, and stressful and it also brings me the greatest joy.

Not long ago, I had been going through a difficult time worrying about my son and blaming myself for his struggles and difficulties.  Since I began practicing Mindfulness, I have focused a lot of time on the practice of allowing myself to be imperfect toward myself, but until I had a conversation with another friend, Kenny, I did not realize the unrealistic expectations that I was putting on myself as a parent. I was not aware that I was placing unrealistic expectation of perfection on myself.  

I guess I should have known better since this is something I have been doing my entire life. It makes sense that these feelings would enter this part of my life. Of course what followed was judgment, self-criticism, and meanness toward myself. I had been expecting myself to be that perfect parent based upon the expectations that I had put upon myself and blaming myself for my childrens’ struggles and hardships.  

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The blaming I had been doing was based upon my negative perceptions of how my actions have hurt my son, as well as the fears and worries I have for him.  I want him to be happy and have good friends.  I don’t want anything that I could have done to damage this. Kenny also shared, “No matter what we do for our kids and teach them, there are going to be things out of our control and they are going to be who they are.”  I struggle with this, too, putting my expectations on my kids and when they don’t act the way I think they should, it is a real struggle and causes me a lot of stress.  

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When I really look inward I am able to see a lot of this comes from my feelings of fear and worry.  It is really hard to see my kids struggle and be in pain. 

I have misperceptions about what is happening right in front of me when it comes to them or worries about what might happen in the future. I begin to create stories about what is happening based upon my expectations of outcome.  My highlight reel of worry and fear sets in with me doing the play by play, which piles on more worry and fear.  

So, what do I do with these feelings?  I become aware of what is really here in each moment, whether it is my story, fear, worry, etc. By taking time to pause and see what is here I am reminded of what is most important and remind myself of my intentions of patience, compassion, understanding, and acceptance.   This practice is about and/both.  So often we see things as all or nothing and either/or.  Instead we can experience the pain or worry and give ourselves the care, patience, and compassion that we need.  We don’t have to push it away.  We allow our feelings to be here and  we give ourselves the support right along side of it. When I am feeling the struggle, pain, fear, I can give myself the patience, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. They are right alongside of it. It is in these times I need it most.  I can make a choice to offer this to myself in those times of struggle. The practice below from my colleague Marc Balcer is one way to work with this.

I mess up often as a parent and I am learning to accept that there is no right or wrong way to do it. I am trying to give myself more of a break and cut myself some slack.  I am constantly modeling imperfection and letting my kids know it is okay to be imperfect. Patti also shared, “A good friend told me years ago that our children will take our lead.  No truer words, or so I’ve found. I’ve tried to live by this as a parent.I know that I give my kids all the love I have, tell them as often as I can how much I care and love them, set limits, and remind myself and them that no one is perfect. I will always be there for them no matter what.  


meditationLooking for an opportunity to learn and practice together? Join us for Mindful Men Meeting on Wednesday, November 8 or for an extended gathering, check out Big Questions for Mindful Living: A Half-Day Retreat for Men on the morning of Saturday, December 2.

 

Becoming Aware

The quieter you become, the more you can hear. – Ram Dass

This post is the first in a series that will offer teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meetings each month but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

Self-care-for-support-people.pngThe key to this practice is self-care. With mindfulness practice and meditation, we make time for ourselves. There is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you bring an intention and a curiosity. It is a big deal to make time for yourself because there are so many other demands on your time. Our culture seeks to keep you in a trance, consuming and doing, but never being. So time is a gift. We spend plenty of time trying to build a work-life balance that we often neglect the self. With just a bit of practice, one breath, one minute or more, we build our focus and attention and then bring this quality to our daily experience.

Six Words of Advice by Tilopa

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

Our first gathering of Mindful Dads Meeting emphasized the following qualities:

  • Experiencing New Possibilities (Community)
  • Discovering Embodiment (Back to the body)
  • Cultivating Observation (Noticing/Aware of Inner Experience)
  • Moving Toward Acceptance (Non-Judgment/We each have our own experience)
  • Growing Compassion (Care)

Recognizing the challenges of being human are abundant, we will never be able to eliminate stress, empty our minds, or complete our to-do list. This is normal and human. We are built to feel struggle, pain and suffering along with joy, happiness and excitement. But when we stop trying to fix things and instead change our relationship to these inevitable stressors, we open a space in our heart and mind to respond thoughtfully instead of react habitually. We give ourselves more choices as opposed to continuing through life on autopilot.stimulus-response_1

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Victor Frankl

Mindfulness Pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” It is about allowing and being familiar with our experience as it is right now. That doesn’t mean it will always be this way but the valuable information we gather informs our thinking and guides our future actions.We have an opportunity with awareness to become aware of our habits, our patterns, perception, our ways of thinking, the judging, the jumping to conclusions, assuming, the things that set us off, piss us off, expectations, what iffing, blaming, sadness, pain, worrying, that make us afraid, keep us up at night.

schraf-awarenesstrangle

One way to explore our experience is through the Triangle of Awareness. As we observe our experiences, we note thoughts, emotions and sensations in the body. And each of these informs the other. A sensation in the body might trigger thought or drive an emotion. It is with keen seeing, that we can notice, acknowledge and allow. Allowing for an integration between the three points of the triangle for intuition, insight and wisdom. Want to try it out? Check out the guided practice below:

It is important to give yourself reminders to practice. It may be that we have a specific object, or a sticker or a notification on our phone to support a consistent practice. It may be helpful to connect your mindfulness practice to a routine. For example, each time you step into the car, enter a room, brew a pot of coffee, you practice mindfulness or meditation simply. One simple practice we use to return to the present moment is “Stop, Breathe, Be.” Its as simple as that. Stop for a moment, come to stillness and silence. Observe one full breath either with your eyes open or closed. Then, allow yourself to be for several more seconds. Not rushing on to the next thing but resting in presence. If you find yourself rushing through it, just do it again. It only takes a few seconds.

Screen Shot 2017-09-14 at 9.20.19 PMWe’d love to hear from you! Please comment below to share your own insights or email us at connect@center4selfcare.com. We encourage you to join us for our monthly Mindful Dads Meeting on the 2nd Wednesday of each month at the Woodlynde School from 8 to 10pm. Click here for details, including our November 8 meeting.


600_448894163Looking for an extended opportunity to learn and practice? Join us the evening of Friday, November 3 through Sunday, November 5 for Bravery and Courage: A Men’s Retreat or the morning of Saturday, December 2 for Big Questions for Mindful Living: A Half-Day Retreat for Men.

There But Not There

I thought I was in the running for Dad of the Year. But I wasn’t really even there.

g4-werth.jpgIt was May 6, 2010. My son Jack, nearly six years old, filled with joy and excitement as we approached Citizens Bank Park for a “businessperson’s special” day game. The boxscore tells me Jason Werth hit a three-run homer in the first and the Phillies never looked back.

My life was wonderful. Two great kids, a loving wife, a meaningful job. I was a family man, racing home each night from work to spend every minute possible with my family.

Halfway through the game, I received a call from our trader. The stock market was crashing. There was really nothing I could do from a baseball stadium that I wouldn’t likely regret later. So I gave him a few instructions and said I’d check back in after the game. While this was a significant event, my response wasn’t that different to most everyday situations. Put away the phone and return to my family, but only in body, not quite in mind.

Returning to our seats, Jack buzzed with excitement as Roy Halladay mowed down hitter after hitter. “Dad, did you see that?” “Do you think he’ll pitch a complete game?” “Can I have an ice cream?” My go-to response was a spiritless “uh-huh.” My mind was distracted. I contemplated what tomorrow would bring and what I could have done to prevent any losses from the crash ahead of time. I was distracted and a bit lost.

As my pal Thom shared in response to this story, “Its like staring at the top of a friend’s head as they stare at their cell phone; sporadically saying ‘go ahead, I’m listening’ as if it were some sense of reassurance for you. There but not present.”

My dad took me to Milwaukee Brewers games as a six-year old too. His love was unconditional and unwavering. But also distant. Always staring off in to space, never able to remember the big hits and plays on the car ride home. As I sat there watching Jack watch the Phillies crush the Cardinals, I recognized what I had been looking at as a child in my dad’s face. And I knew that had to change.


58166_1644699278291_1159874_n.jpgMeditation and mindfulness offered a tool to me to be present in any moment, regardless of what was running through my head. It also provided some self-compassion because I won’t always get it right. Does this story sound familiar? If so, please check out Mindful Dads Meeting on Wednesday, October 11 at 8pm at Woodlynde School. Be sure to register in advance.


Also this month from Center For Self-Care

Mindful Men Meeting, Thursday, October 5 at 7:30 pm (membership required, email for details)

Men Sitting By A Fire, Thursday, October 19 at 7:30 pm (email for details)

Mindfulness is For You: Tools for Self-Care and Stress Management, Not just for men! Tuesday, October 24 at 7 pm, Ludington Library in Bryn Mawr (free, registration required)