What Are You Bringing with You?

alissahenry.com

When we go into certain situations, interact with people, arrive at work, or walk into our home, like luggage on a trip, what are you carrying and what are you holding on to. What is in there? Fear, love, worry, maybe it’s the story created from the baggage. These things affect how we interact with the people in our lives and the experiences that we walk into. Often this baggage is caused by what is happening and what we want to happen or how thing are and how we want them to be. It often occurs when we don’t like what is occurring. It can be pain, a busy mind, or stress. This is often based upon our own expectations, perceptions, preferences, and comparisons. On top of this, a disconnection can occur when we go into this space where we can often encounter the stories, the judgments and criticisms for self and others, adding on to the pain and struggle that already exists. 

In these moments can we pay attention and take the time to pause and check in to see what is here. Asking ourselves, what is between me and being present. Taking the time to acknowledge what is arising, pleasant or unpleasant, wanting it or not wanting it and taking the time to name what is here. Perhaps then making a choice to loosen the grip, hold a little less, giving ourselves the opportunity to allow what’s here to be here. Whispering to ourselves allow or this belongs in this moment. These pauses can help to open our eyes so we can see a little more clearly and make choices for ourselves and others, giving us an opportunity to put the bag down for just a moment. And, we may pick it up again and again and we can make the choice to stop and pause again and again.  It might be an opportunity to see what we need and who can help us and support us. Someone that cares about us and loves us. We are not alone and we don’t have to carry the baggage alone. It’s okay for someone else to help us carry the bags and give us the support we need.

Please check out this practice by Tara Brach, Everything Belongs, to help with difficult situations and to work through the baggage. You may also enjoy the short talk and guided practice from our weekly Simply Meditation offering below,

 

From Struggle to Self-Care

How do we take the first step toward our care?

We sometimes get caught up in the fix, wanting to change things especially when we are feeling pain. Can we perhaps instead of curing in this moment offer ourselves care. Maybe if we can take a moment to see our pain and acknowledge it, we can then see what we need to take care of ourselves. This can be the first step, acknowledging that we are struggling in this moment. In this moment can we pause to see what’s here and be with our pain and struggle. Seeing our pain may be the first step toward acceptance, compassion, and kindness toward ourselves. After we check in, it may be helpful to then ask ourselves this very important question, to offer ourselves the care we deserve and need. What do I need for my care? See what arises and notice what’s here. Our awareness can lead to healthy and caring choices for ourselves and the people in our lives.

---

Check out the great programs offered by Center For Self-Care to the right of this post. Josh will be at the UMCC for a five week class Tuesday Nights from 7-8pm from October 8-November 5. This class is an opportunity for adults to take time to pause and care for themselves. No experience needed. Register here today.

Showing Up for Our Lives

“One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.”

-Frederick Buechner

How do we truly show up for our lives? Show up for ourselves? Show up for each other? Show up for our kids?

How do we make the most of our time while we are here? Having a meaningful life, being present and living life to the fullest moment to moment, right here-right now? Feeling connection with what’s here-ourselves and each other.

I believe the first step is, we have to show up for ourselves, take care of ourselves. If we do this, we are more able to show up and be present for each other.

Here’s the other part, showing up can be difficult. Being present can be difficult. There are things that get in the way and prevent us from being right here. They get in the way of our ability to show up, care for ourselves, and each other.

Things like stress, worry, fear, shame, judgment, insecurity, doubt, pain, and struggle. The constant to do list, being pulled in a million different directions-all things we have to get done in this hour, this day. Sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and worried my thoughts of judgment can take over. Here are a few: I am not good enough; I can’t handle this; I am the only one going through this. Let’s not forget about the blame, the finger pointing, or the complaining about others.

And then when this all takes over, there can be a resisting, when things don’t feel good, uncomfortable, or unpleasant. Things like avoidance, pushing away, and ignoring can happen. Striving and grasping can also appear. If only I had this or this was this way or I liked that way better. Sometimes I want to run as away from it as possible or hide for that matter.

What I realized is that this gets exhausting. When this happens, I disconnect from what is right here, myself and the people around me because I am stuck in my head.

So perhaps a shift. Instead of pushing away or being alone. All of this is what makes us human. We are all imperfectly human. This is when we need each other most, to offer care to ourselves and each other.

How can we start our day in a way where we welcome everything and show up for our lives?

Each morning we wake up what are we paying attention to? There are many mornings I wake up and I am focused on what is wrong and what needs to be fixed. The what ifs and coulda shouldas take over, living in the past and the future. I would be happier if this happened or it was still this way or if only these things were occurring.

These things take me away from what is right here in front of me. I am swept away from this present moment. The moment I notice that this is happening it is an opportunity for me to pause and acknowledge what is here. This act of paying attention is a choice. We can choose what we pay attention to and how we pay attention to it each and every day.

Once I have acknowledged and allowed myself to feel and take in my experience, I can make a choice to begin my day with gratitude, appreciation, joy, and well-being. There are so many wonderful things going on around us. It can be an essential part of our day to ask ourselves this questions, what is most important and matters most? We can then take as much time as we have an need to pause, reflect, and notice what arises when we ask ourselves this important questions. This isn’t about forcing feelings it is a chance for awareness and perspective.

At some point, each of us has been sent the message to enjoy the simple things in life. When I used to hear this I would brush it off and say to myself this is cheesy or too cliché. As I began to ask myself-what is most important and matters most, I realized that it is the simple things that are most meaningful and precious. I have so much to be grateful for and appreciate.

So, I woke up today. I was able to stand on my own two feet. I was breathing. I was able to take a hot shower and put clothes on my back. I kissed my wife goodbye and saw my kids sleeping safely in their beds. I make a cup of coffee and this was just the first thirty minutes of my day.

What a wonderful life I have. We can have it all, the pain, the joy, the love, and the fear. Each morning we can make a choice of how we go into our day, how we want be with ourselves and the people in our lives. We can all make a choice of how we want to live our lives. When we take care of ourselves, we are showing up for our lives, and each other.

 

 

Listen to Josh on the Warriors Dads Podcast

“It’s not what you have, it’s who we have.” This quote by A.A. Milne has resonated with me since the start of the school year. It is a quote I come back to again and again. It is the people in our lives that matter most. To me this is what is most important. It’s easy to forget this as we get caught up in our busy lives, running from one thing to the next. At times not stopping much at all. Pause and check in, most importantly we have ourselves and we have people in our lives that love us and care about us. There always an opportunity to show we care and make time for the people that matter most in our lives.

I wanted to share an interview I did on the Warrior Dads Podcast in November. In this episode Jim Burdumy of Warrior Dads, speaks with me about Mindfulness, Self-Care, and the challenges and joys of being a Dad. I talk about my experiences of being dad, how Mindfulness has impacted his life, and the work Marc Balcer and I are doing to make a positive impact in the lives of people through the Center for Self-Care.

Warrior Dads Podcast: Being More Mindful, an Interview with Josh Gansky

Use the link below to hear the interview.

Warrior Dads Podcast Episode 16: Being More Mindful with Josh Gansky

 

Saying Yes to This Moment

Can we say “Yes” to what is arising in this moment? Can we say yes to being human? Can we say “Yes” to imperfection, compassion, understanding and patience? Can we say “Yes” to what we are experiencing right now, perhaps without pushing away, avoiding or changing anything? This could be what we need in this moment. To allow what is here to be here.

Below, I offer a guided practice, Saying Yes to This Moment.

One of my favorite poets is Danna Faulds. She captures this idea of saying “Yes” to our experience in the poem Allow,

There is no controlling life.
Try corralling a lightning bolt,
containing a tornado. Dam a 
stream and it will create a new
channel. Resist and the tide
will sweep you off your feet.
Allow, and grace will carry
you to higher ground. The only
safety lies in letting it all in —
the wild and the weak; fear,
fantasies, failures and success.
When loss rips off the doors of
the heart, or sadness veils your
vision with despair, practice
becomes simply bearing the truth.
In the choice to let go of your
known way of being, the whole
world is revealed to your new eyes.

---

Join Center For Self-Care for an upcoming event. Follow the links on the right side of the screen for our Wednesday evening Mindfulness Meditation Drop-In as well as Mindful Men Meeting the first Thursday of evening month and our fall 2018 Habit Change monthly class.

Taking Care of Ourselves

There are often times I think about why am I not taking better care of myself or why am I not taking care of myself. I need to eat better, exercise more, meditate more, drink less, worry less, etc. Often this comes with self-criticism self-doubt, or judgment. When I go in this direction I don’t always have the answers or am able to change my ways or solve the problem. It’s hard to make the time. I feel pulled in a million different directions, spread thin, exhausted, and sometimes get stuck. What I do know is that when I make my care a priority, something that I need and deserve, it makes a huge difference for my well-being and the well-being of the people around me. When it comes to my care it is important for me to take the time and stop and pause, to ask questions of myself to connect or reconnect with what is most important to me and my care.

What do I need for my care?

What is between or in the way of me taking care of myself?

What do I notice when I care for myself or don’t care for myself?

By pausing and taking the time to go inward and reflect, it might give us what we need, uncover something, open our hearts and minds, it might just be the reminder or information we need to care for ourselves. I believe our care is important and deserved in whatever way works best for each of us. We can start now. We can start again and again and again. We can come back to ourselves and reconnect, making the time to be present and listen to what we need and offer ourselves care and support.

---

Center For Self-Care offers numerous opportunities to practice self-care with in-person and online communities. Register and participate with us today!

Visit our Podcast, YouTube Channel, and Facebook Page for more.

Mindfulness Meditation Weekly Drop-In Class – begins September 12 – Click to register

Are you curious about Mindfulness Meditation? Mindfulness has been defined as a way of paying attention, fully and with interest, to what is happening in the present moment, without judgment.  Mindfulness involves the practice of being aware of the present-moment experience without being preoccupied by stressors and distractions. Do you want to take time for your care and connect with others? Josh Gansky will lead us on an exploration of ways to better navigate through our busy and stress-filled lives. Self-care is at the heart of everything we do; the way we feel, think, and act.  When we care for ourselves, we can be at our best.  We can actively make our lives and other people’s lives better. Drop in anytime for these weekly sessions which include guided Mindfulness practices and discussion in a supportive group setting. Develop greater connection, inner calmness, and awareness, allowing you to be more present in your life. This class is Appropriate for all levels. Please join us to take a pause, connect, reflect, and make time for your care.

Location:

Upper Merion Community Center

431 West Valley Forge Road
King of Prussia, PA 19406
610-265-1071 

---

What Brings You Here?

The practice of mindfulness asks us to notice and allow. Each moment is an opportunity to notice what’s here, allowing it to be here without changing anything, pushing away or avoiding. It is important because it can help us to see what is really here.  Things will change, emotions will come and go, but when we step back, we open space to identify what is important to us and what we need for our own care.

In our last Mindful Dads Meeting, I offered three questions:

• What brings you here?
• What do you need for your care?
• What is your intention?

You don’t need to be sitting with a group to reflect on these questions. You might even try it out now:

This post is the sixth in a series that offers teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meeting but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

---

The best time to meditate? Now! if this very second won’t do, we can support you in your practice. We are online every Sunday at 9pm and Tuesday at 8:30pm at www.center4selfcare.com/meditate4selfcare. In the coming weeks, we have mens fire circles and dads groups suitable for all experience levels.

---

Suffering = Pain * Resistance

There are so many motivations that bring us to mindful practice. We may be stuck in regrets of the past or fearful of challenges in the future. Oftentimes, our attempt to control our circumstances leaves us worse for the wear. When we hold on too tight, we get rope burn.

The formula above reminds us that we can feel pain, unpleasant and negative emotions, but still experience joy and contentment. It is only when we resist and react that the pain is literally multiplied into suffering. We can incline ourselves towards joy by allowing for our emotions, holding them lightly and letting them come and go on their own time.

As we discussed in our group, I offered two conditions for joy. It’s as simple as when

• people pay attention to us
• we receive a message that says, “I’m here for you and I care about you”

Interestingly, we can often these gifts to ourselves through self-compassion and self-care. We can bring our attention inward and treat ourselves with love and forgiveness. In the practice below, we use an awareness of the body to find meaning and purpose in our experience.

What Happens When You Can’t Figure It Out?

In our last gathering, we explored What Happens When You Can’t Figure Out The Answer? Human beings, and often men in particular, have a tendency to try to solve, fix, and resolve issues and challenges so they “go away.” We want to get it out of there. This is natural. Our natural instinct is to preserve our safety and our security. So we become doers, we become fixers. And these acts become our identity.

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

– Wendell Barry

This post is the fifth in a series that offers teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meeting but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

So what happens when we can’t figure it out? We may worry that our identity is tarnished. We scramble. We blame. We argue. We withdraw. Sometimes we ask for help, but we have received thousands of cultural messages that asking for help represents weakness. Feelings of inadequacy and failure to live up to expectations arise. What to do?

With mindful practice, we sit with the emotions of uncertainty and doubt. We can open ourselves to patient waiting and letting go of outcomes. We can ask the questions differently – “Isn’t it interesting that I don’t know what to do next? What do I really need in this moment?”

And we can also bring self-care and self-compassion. We recognize that we aren’t the only ones who have ever experienced this. Enjoy the guided practice below that reminds us of our shared humanity and our ability for self-soothing:

---

Please join Center For Self-Care every Sunday at 9pm or Tuesday evening at 8:30pm for Meditate4SelfCare. Simply login through this link. Open to men and women.

We also meet in person for Mindful Dads Meeting this Wednesday, April 11 at 8pm and every 2nd Wednesday of the month. Click here to sign up and join us.

 

The Space Between How Things Are And How We Want Them To Be

A lecturer walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

---

This post is the third in a series that offers teachings to support a mindful practice and lifestyle. They are based on gatherings of Mindful Dads Meeting but offer universal wisdom suitable for anyone.

Stress can be defined as the space between our expectations and our reality. Our instinct when we see this space is to try make it go away. Somehow fill in the space with overwork, micromanagement or distraction. It may be that we already feel the walls closing in around us or that there is a gaping chasm between us and feeling free. But in reality, this space is small. It is a space of hyper focus and hyper vigilance. Either/or thinking, doubt, judgment, insecurity, anxiety and worry. We have a great opportunity to nourish this unpleasant place by stopping, experiencing and allowing.

The first step is to notice. To check in with yourself as you become quiet. What is here in this moment and can I be with it? What is really here? You might try the following practice to arrive at this state:

The space between how things are and how we want them to me gets filled in with messages of doubt and self-criticism. Things like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a bad parent/partner/child.” This wanting things to be different is a natural result of our mis(perceptions), expectations, preferences, perspectives, standards and assumptions. When we get stuck in this space, we can create disconnection from ourselves and others.

Christopher Germer, the author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion writes,

“when bad things happen to us, we tend to have three unfortunate reactions: self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption. Why do we react like this? I look at it this way, the instinctive response to danger – the stress response – consists of fight, flight or freeze. These three strategies help us survive physically, but when they are applied to our mental and emotional functioning, we get into trouble. When there’s no enemy to defend against, we turn on ourselves. “Fight” becomes self-criticism, “flight” becomes self-isolation, and “freeze” becomes self-absorption, getting locked into our own thoughts.”

There are several conclusions to be drawn from this passage. First, our habitual reactions are normal. Humans have evolved to escape physical threats. It wasn’t until the last several hundred years that our ability to tame and eliminate most physical threats made the stress response less adaptive. Second, by recognizing that we are in this mode, we give ourselves a choice to respond thoughtfully instead of react out of habit. When we pay attention to our stress and the habits, patterns and triggers that make up our responses, we open a space for a choice based on awareness. Most of our modern threats are emotional and psychological so this space is important.

Germer’s colleague, Kristin Neff writes, “We give ourselves compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad.” This shift from cure to care allows our natural gentleness and compassion to emerge slowly. Self-compassion consists of three elements as described by Neff in the video below:

• Self-Kindness – Providing yourself with the compassion and self-soothing you deserve
• Common Humanity – The understanding that you are not alone in your suffering, that it is part of the human experience
• Mindfulness – An awareness of what is actually happening in your lived experience.

---

“It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.” – Jo Coudert

We closed our evening with a self-compassion meditation based on Neff’s work that brings the three elements of self-compassion into focus. As we imagined a difficulty or challenge in our life, we offered the following wishes:

• I am (struggling, suffering, stressed) right now and that is ok.
• We all (struggle, suffer, feel stress).
• May I be kind to myself. May I offer myself the compassion that I need.

Try it for yourself below and check out our upcoming events including Mindful Dads Meeting and our April co-ed full-day retreat.

---

Marc and I are passionate about self-compassion and its promise of self-care and kindness that then extends to all around you. Below is the most downloaded episode of our podcast followed by additional articles that you mind enjoy.

The Art of Self-Compassion Part 1: A Personal Reflection

The Art of Self-Compassion Part 2: Meeting The Critic

Secure Your Own Mask First

Coming Back To Ourselves

“I think we learn the most from imperfect relationships, things like forgiveness and compassion.”  -Andrea Thompson

All relationships are imperfect, including the relationships we have with ourselves. Can we cut ourselves some slack? Give ourselves a break? Or at times, get out of our own way to enjoy the moment, allow ourselves to be open to the moment, let our guard down, resist a little less, not hold on so tight or fight so much.  Can we pause, release the grip, and breathe, so we can see what is right in front of us? Can we forgive ourselves and accept our imperfections and can we be a little kinder and nicer to ourselves?  This is our shared experience as human beings.  The struggle, the pain, the suffering, the joy, the happiness, the forgiveness, and the compassion and kindness. We experience it all and we deserve to be ourselves and the only thing we have to be is who we already are.

Compassion and Forgiveness are critical qualities to cultivate on a path to mindfulness. We have shared our favorite writings and audio below. Stay tuned for more including self-compassion in the coming days.

Accepting My Need To Be A Perfect Parent	Fierce Self-Compassion: Meeting The Critic Talk and Guided Practice
The Most Important Job	Forgiveness Guided Practice

We have a great lineup of offerings coming in early 2018. They include:

Mindful Dads Meeting – Every 2nd Wednesday inc. 1/10
Men Sitting By A Fire – Various Mondays inc. 1/22
Mindful Tools For Stress Management for Men
5 weeks beginning February 21
Full Day Mindfulness Retreat – 4/8